At some point in our lives we have all had to perform, in one way or another. Whether it was reading aloud in your English class at school, delivering presentations at work, even giving a speech at a wedding... in my case, of course, performing in concert situations is very much part of my everyday life. Something I have noticed about performing, and I believe it somehow really applies to everyone, is that all of our little tendencies and character idiosyncracies that we have just in our normal lives get massively exaggerated when we perform. If you say the word 'like' a lot, there is a danger that it really could be every second word during a public speech. If you live in a country where you speak your second language, during a presentation you might become hyper-aware of your 'foreign' accent. If you sometimes worry about a certain physical feature of yours, you might become especially paranoid about it when there are a lot of people watching.
For me, I have always been told that during my performances, the people watching me have the overwhelming feeling that I care too much about it, that I give too much. I have had comments like 'it feels almost like you are prepared to go into battle when you walk on stage', or, 'you want, without a doubt, to give us absolutely everything you have'. I would say this definitely must stem from my normal attitude to what I do, which is that I absolutely love the music that I play with every fibre in my being! When I get to perform, I wish to share my love with the people watching me and there is no doubt that this feeling heightens, to a point where it is really in danger of being pushed over the edge. When this happens, I actually inhibit myself; in trying so hard to communicate the beauty of the music, it can become only more of a struggle and lose it's true quality.
Recently I have been thinking a lot about this concept and struggling to find solutions. I totally agree with what people tell me; some of my best performances have been the ones when I have been most relaxed, or when they haven't mattered as much so I haven't been so completely invested in them. Actually, sometimes I am happiest with my playing when I am home alone, practising and not caring at all what I sound like! But I don't think that this is really the answer. I want to be totally invested, I want to care about the music that I am playing above all else and I want to give myself completely in my performances. Is it really a bad thing that I care so much?
I have been given the advice that during performances I should try to step back, give less of myself and just focus on the technicalities of playing the violin. Somehow this feels a little bit like I am cheating myself! I care about every single concert and would never want to play half-heartedly. So how can I find the right balance, give all of myself and yet be relaxed enough to simply play? Perhaps you have also had to ask these questions; when you have to give important public speeches and don't want to lose your character, how do you remain true to yourself but yet still deliver a great speech? How do you live truly in the moment during a performance, but still stay calm enough that you can just go through the correct motions?
I don't really have any answers, but I have found something that helps me, and that is the feeling of peace. When I get on stage and feel all of those eyes watching me and waiting for me to deliever something to them, I just try to look for a sense of peacefullness. It's not easy at all - we have adrenaline pumping through our bodies, we want so much to do our very best and prove to everyone how good we can be.. but just a couple of times now I really have found this quiet inner peace and it has felt absolutely amazing - like you have all the time in the world, that you are happy with your work, you know it's good and nobody else but you can do it.
I actually found this post very difficult to write; to honestly look at yourself in a very real way, to find where your insecurities lie and admit to your weaknesses can be very hard to do, and this is something I battle with every time I perform. We live in a world where everybody wants to be the best, at the top of their game, and competition is fierce. I don't really know what this means, or how to get there! But I honestly believe that to do the best we can, especially in stressful situations like performances, and to progress, which must be one of the most important things in life, we have to try to look for answers to these very difficult questions.
I would absolutely love to hear your thoughts, whichever walk of life you come from, so please leave a comment below! I feel like this will be an on-going discussion, a never ending process, so it would be so interesting to hear other views.
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Labels: Thoughts